Lets talk about the 'D' word.

Haha, not that D word.. cheeky :) Lets talk about Depression. I know I know, touchy subject to read and a touchy subject to write, but I promise you, you will either relate, learn a bit more about the topic, or learn a bit more about me, which isn't half bad.

So what is the google definition of depression: it is 'Feelings of severe despondency and dejection'. Do I agree? somewhat. What does depression mean to me? It is when the space in your brain that holds all the negativity and all the current issues overpowers your everyday will to thrive. Depression is very hard to understand unless you have been through it. However It is a real battle that comes in many stages and it is hard to overcome.  With will & support it's possible. 

Depression like a body, Comes in all shapes and sizes. There are people that suffer who can smile and get on with their day to day. There are people that cry all the time, people who show it through anger and people who show it through keeping themselves busy all the time. Sometimes it can be very hard to tell whether someone is depressed or not purely because the signs are different in each case.

So what's the best way to tell if someone's in need of a little more love and affection? it's the body language. Ask yourself; Are they always upset or down, ever heard them talking about suicide? ever heard them joke about running away or self harm? Are you always inviting them out and they keep cancelling? Do they stay home all the time? Barely reply to your messages? Go dark on the social for a few days and then pop back up? Have you seen them break out in tears and they don't know the reason? Or are they unnoticeable and quiet when they're in a room? These are what i'd personally call the key signs. They may not just be upset all the time, they may just be depressed and not have a clue. Never judge a book by its cover.

I've suffered with it a few times but i'm a special case. I am what the doctors would classify as depressed. Would you know just by looking at me? Definitely not. Would you believe me if I told you? Nope because i'm too happy ALL the time, but i am very good at hiding my emotions. Depression is a battle i've been facing for the longest time, i just didn't know it. 

My Childhood was nowhere near the worst but it definitely wasn't the easiest either. My parents split up when i was 9 years old and officially when i was 11 as the majority do. During that time i've witnessed many accounts of domestic violence and the images are still as clear today as the days they happened. Would i say i'm scarred? 100% I am and 10 years later im still trying to patch them over.

During that time came the transition of my household from two parents to just a single mothered house. What did that mean for me? That meant from the age of 10 after my brother was born i was almost like my houses second parent. Although majority of the time i was more than happy to help, my siblings sort of became half my responsibility and have been ever since. That, in turn made me grow up way faster than i should have.. missing out on the last couple years of just childhood. Although my mum continuously tells me that they're not my responsibility the weight of them forever remains on my shoulders to me.

Then came the teenage years. Figuring out who you are is a difficult thing to do especially when you're at such a young age. At this time society was pointing my dark skin out as the beauty minority and it did, after a while, take its toll. Through my whole secondary school time my most known phrases were 'she's so blick' or 'she's really dark' and as you can imagine it's not really what you want to hear when you're trying to build your self esteem. I then had phases where the talk of the school was literally me and my body and i've never felt the same about myself ever since. To have people look down on you and treat you like an inferior is the worst feeling ever and i'm sure some of you reading will be able to relate. 

My teenage years were the hardest years of my life so far and that's when my depression was at its highest. There were days where i'd get up and plan my disappearance. There were days where i didn't speak anything but a couple words to anyone. There were days i'd just sit and stare at my wall wondering why i'd been born. It got to a point where suicide attempts were so often I lost count. The want to not be alive anymore was so strong that staring at the pack of pills (even though i can't swallow them) and crying myself to sleep was my daily routine. However everyday i'd wake up, put a smile on my face and act like nothing was happening because i'm a private person. Now (unfortunately for those around me)I have no emotions, i've locked them away for so long that i have no idea what or how to use them.

Moreover one day it all just clicked and I learnt that depression is a choice. I cannot help the things the universe send to me, I cannot control my life at all, but the one thing i do have control over is the way I chose to react. I have the choice whether i sit at home and cry all day or get up and go for a jog it's all a choice. The only problem is that it takes more energy to fight the depression. Generally if you are depressed you already have limited energy left so it's easier to sit there and wallow, but you can't wallow forever. 

So if you are reading this as a depression sufferer or think you might be, you're not alone there are plenty of us out here and the only way to get through it is with a bit of help. Let this be your platform to let loose and speak your mind. You don't have to do it alone. Reach out because the support is here there and everywhere. Don't get it twisted there will still be days you sit cooped up in your room crying or feeling down but it's all about turning them from the normality to the minority.  I still have days like this, in fact i had one recently but i refuse to let the 'D' Word control my happiness. I'll keep fighting... Like always. I have my WHOLE life ahead of me.. and so do you.

Don't forget, you get back what you receive. If you radiate unhappiness you'll proceed to receive things that make you feel that way. Depression is a choice, it can be controlled but it does take a whole load of hard work, fake smiles and a ton of willpower. Anything is possible. Support is everywhere .. You are NOT alone. So keep smiling and keep fighting because there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. We're all Queens & Kings here💜.

Rule depression don't let depression rule you.

Please; Like, Share and Subscribe!!

Hit the 'Share On Facebook' button!!

&Follow my Instagram @Shaanwray.

*None of the imagery used in this blog post are owned by myself. I own none of the copyrights to these images as they are taken from google.*